Trying to go without chocolates is futile

Crystal Lindell

If I was a strong person, I’d be writing this column about how I’ve given up chocolate for a month because I have gastritis in my stomach and an ulcer in my intestines and the doctor said I should not eat chocolate.

But I am not a strong person.

I have eaten so much chocolate since being given that medical requirement that my stomach is probably going to fall out tomorrow.

Just so you don’t think I’m a total failure, I want to tell you that I was also advised to give up tomatoes, alcohol and caffeine, and I have not touched any of those substances since Tuesday, Feb. 6.

That’s when the doctor told me all the stuff I had to do to get rid of what the GI Specialist called “a small ulcer” that they found after sticking a camera down my throat while I was in twilight sleep. He can call it a “small ulcer” all he wants, but when left unmedicated it feels like a large semi-truck rammed the side my stomach.

With pain like that, you’d think I’d follow any and all medical advice I got about how to get rid of the dang thing. You’d be wrong.

You see, what happened was I was told to avoid chocolate last Tuesday, and on Wednesday I was extremely successful because all I did was stay home and recuperate and watch way too many episodes of the House of Cards on Netflix.

Then on Thursday, I came back into the office. I’m not even exaggerating when I tell you the following samples were waiting for me on my desk: Four Jer’s New All-Natural Gourmet Peanut Butter Bars; a gable bag of Marich’s dark chocolate sea salt caramels; a Cemoi dark chocolate with sea salt crystals candy bar as well as a box of Kambly’s Alliance Fruitee Fraise from my editor-in-chief Bernie Pacyniak’s recent trip to ISM; and a 16-piece Signature Oval Box of chocolates from Julia Baker with a retail value of $48.

As Oscar Wilde says, "I can resist anything except temptation.”

I started with just a small piece of passion fruit-filled chocolate from the Julia Baker box. I mean, it’s not like one little, itsy, bitsy piece of luscious, gourmet chocolate is going to kill me. Right? Plus, hello! It had fruit in it!

It was so delicious that I ate four more pieces from the box. (The coconut one filled with dark chocolate was especially thrilling).  

Then, after that, I ate a Jer’s Original IncrediBar Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar because I hadn’t had breakfast and it had peanut butter in it.

I am weak.

When I got home, I offered a cookie from the Kambly box Bernie gave me to my boyfriend. My significant other didn’t know about my fall off the wagon earlier in the day, and said something along the lines of, “This is delicious. Here, just try a bite. It can be your one piece of chocolate for the month.”

If only I was the person my boyfriend thinks I am.

I’m sorry to say that my weakness in this area only got worse as the days went out. I love Marich’s candies, so I ate about 15 of those. Then, over the weekend, I got my shipment of Girl Scout Cookies, including two boxes of chocolate-covered Thin Mints and a box of Somoas, which were “striped with a rich, chocolaty coating.” I pretty much inhaled a row of Samoas before I knew what was happening.

And on Monday, the amazing people from Lindt sent me their new Excellence Dark Strawberry Bar and I couldn’t very well write about it without trying a piece, now could I?

Needless to say, I’ve pretty much eaten some form of chocolate every day since then. The good news is, the ulcer and the gastritis do seem to be clearing up anyway, likely because of my medications and my lack of tomatoes.

Now I just have to decide if I should tell my doctor about my cocoa sins when I see her Friday for a follow-up. Maybe if I bring her some chocolates, she’ll understand.